Getting Started

It can be scary to jump into the deep end of the BDSM world, or, as the wife says “going from 0to 60 just like that”.

This article has some ideas that can help you get into BDSM play:

It does not get into a 24/7 dynamic but it talks about ways to play.

They mention wax play, and they quickly hit on checking for the right candles… because using a dinner table candle is provably going to burn your playmate, and not with “good pain”.

Some other items:

  1. Kinky text messaging.
  2. Cook a dinner naked.
  3. Sit at the “Dom’s” feet and watch a movie.
  4. Surprise your playmate with an unexpected sex act, like oral sex in a car wash.
  5. Dress sexy for bed.
  6. Lock the bedroom door and make your partner “get the key”.
  7. Ice.
  8. Toys.
  9. Rope.
  10. Bubble bath.

There is practically no end to the possibilities.  Be creative and be open to new opportunities, and you can have a lot of fun.


I was struck by a though today.  My wife was reading a story to the three year old in our house and they got to a page with a baby wearing a crown, like a beauty queen.

The three year old said “Aww… she is beautiful.”

At that moment it hit me that we (parents in general) tell kids that Disney princesses are beautiful.  We tell our kids they are beautiful.  We talk about how people in magazines and books are beautiful, and that is the problem.

I cannot think of a time I have ever just pointed out someone on the street, perhaps an elderly lady walking with her groceries or even a homeless person and said “look at how beautiful they are.”

We create an illusion of beauty that requires the individual to wear makeup, a fancy dress, heels… whatever.  

We even tell our kids that what is important is inner beauty but we (as society) tend to then point at the beautiful people and say “that is what pretty is.”
Then we wonder why so many girls have self-esteem problems.

So I am here to tell you, that everyone of you is beautiful.  Maybe you are overweight, short, missing some teeth, or not very well off.

Still, you are beautiful.  

Unless you are Cruella Da’ville.  Then your just evil.  So, if you are not wanting to wear a puppy coat, you are beautiful!

Let’s point out people on the street and say they are beautiful instead of Disney’s artwork.  Let’s build that self-esteem back up!


When I write notes to people at work, I like to provide “the short answer” and the “long answer”.

So here is my short answer for after care:  just do it.  Do not start a scene, event, or session if you are not prepared to provide care to those involved when it is over.

Now, the long answer:  When you enter into a BDSM activity it is a lot like running a long distance, climbing a mountain, jumping out of a plane for the first time, or any other challenging activity.

It can be mentally and/physically exasusing and in this case the individual who is submitting to you is giving up the control they would have in those activities to pause for a moment or stop at a water station.

It is up to the Dominant to care for the submissive before (discuss, prepare and come to agreement on what will happen), during (make sure they are OK (watch for loss of circulation, negative reactions, and displeasure beyond and pain you are inflicting), and after.

You may go through a scene as a Dominant and get to the end and find that you want to take a nap.  The problem is the other individual(s) are probably coming up from subspace or a down from a euphoric high that you created.

Like we tell our kids, if you created it, you need to take care of it.  The Dominant is on the hook for making sure the submissive comes up/down smoothly.  Trying to avoid a crash that could leave a negative note on what was a positive experience.

Like everything, a little planning and preparation will help.  Bring a bottle of water to the play room, some chocolate (it sounds silly but chocolate can really improve a person’s mood), a glass of wine, a little’s stuffie, or whatever helps them to level out.

Most importantly, be there for them to cry on your shoulder or simply hold them.  BDSM is a major release of emotional energy that we play with, build up, and take our submissives through.

When done right, they might forget their names, be unable to speak for their own needs, and surrender everything.

They are trusting us to ensure they are safe, which includes returning them to a sensible level of functionality.

It is fun to fantasize about rape play where you find a girl, toss her in a van, do what you want, then dump her at the curb when you are done.

It may just not work out in your favor if you do that to your wife and she has to walk home while dealing with the emotions let out driving and after scene…

Curve magazine has an article here on aftercare that is worth a read.


I found this video on Tumblr and wanted to share it.  It is amazing work.  At four minutes long it contains many scenes, photos, gifs, and memes I have seen elsewhere.  

The closing credits provide all of the true credit worthy people and the excellent work they put in.