When I write notes to people at work, I like to provide “the short answer” and the “long answer”.

So here is my short answer for after care:  just do it.  Do not start a scene, event, or session if you are not prepared to provide care to those involved when it is over.

Now, the long answer:  When you enter into a BDSM activity it is a lot like running a long distance, climbing a mountain, jumping out of a plane for the first time, or any other challenging activity.

It can be mentally and/physically exasusing and in this case the individual who is submitting to you is giving up the control they would have in those activities to pause for a moment or stop at a water station.

It is up to the Dominant to care for the submissive before (discuss, prepare and come to agreement on what will happen), during (make sure they are OK (watch for loss of circulation, negative reactions, and displeasure beyond and pain you are inflicting), and after.

You may go through a scene as a Dominant and get to the end and find that you want to take a nap.  The problem is the other individual(s) are probably coming up from subspace or a down from a euphoric high that you created.

Like we tell our kids, if you created it, you need to take care of it.  The Dominant is on the hook for making sure the submissive comes up/down smoothly.  Trying to avoid a crash that could leave a negative note on what was a positive experience.

Like everything, a little planning and preparation will help.  Bring a bottle of water to the play room, some chocolate (it sounds silly but chocolate can really improve a person’s mood), a glass of wine, a little’s stuffie, or whatever helps them to level out.

Most importantly, be there for them to cry on your shoulder or simply hold them.  BDSM is a major release of emotional energy that we play with, build up, and take our submissives through.

When done right, they might forget their names, be unable to speak for their own needs, and surrender everything.

They are trusting us to ensure they are safe, which includes returning them to a sensible level of functionality.

It is fun to fantasize about rape play where you find a girl, toss her in a van, do what you want, then dump her at the curb when you are done.

It may just not work out in your favor if you do that to your wife and she has to walk home while dealing with the emotions let out driving and after scene…

Curve magazine has an article here on aftercare that is worth a read.

Married with Children and D/s

I cannot count the number of times this has happened:

Text messages while at work:

Me: “I am going to <FCC Edit> your <Wow… Mom said I could never say that> and shove a broom handle between your <well, I probably could have said that> and make you <I just saw a sailor faint in the corner>.”

wife: “That sounds amazing!  I cannot wait”

Then when I get home, we playfully interact at the table, while the kids are there.  Everyone talking and having fun.   Then there is homework, and chores, and activities, and bedtime rituals with the kiddos and finally there is alone time!

And one of us passes out, exhausted from the day, or the recent events, or the cold we picked up, or one of the kids comes back into the room, or a cat throws up on the floor or…

Yep… life gets in the way; and that is my topic for the day… Since the wife and I came to this D/s, BDSM, Daddy/little (OK, the wife is really more of a middle than a little) – whatever we want to call it, we have found a lot of roadblocks to our success.  The same roadblocks that impact the relationships of our friends, who to our knowledge are not purveyors of the fun world we attempt to live in.

Am I am expert at suspending people in the air?  No
Am I am expert at tying people up on a bench or bed?  No
Am I am expert in all things kink, leather, BDSM, whatever…?  No

What I am, and the wife as my partner… well, we might just be experts in trying to go from a vanilla relationship to a D/s relationship, stumbling about a thousand times and still persisting in our efforts to continue to strengthen our bond and connect with each other.

I am sure there are those out there in the “lifestyle” that would laugh and point out all our failures; but I do not believe in failing.  I believe in trying.  I believe that you dust yourself off and go back at it until you find what works for you.

The wife and I read a bunch of books.  Some had some good information, and some had some bad information.  What we never found was a book that really touched on how does a married couple go from the “traditional vanilla” dynamic to a D/s dynamic while maintaining the important parts of the relationship they have already.

So how does one make that shift, without impacting your family, without changing the world your kids know, without impacting friends?  That is both the easiest part and the hardest part for most people (hard for me – easier for the wife).  It comes down to communication.

Step one: You cannot come to this party with an ego.  Otherwise it is not going to work out well.

Step two: Determine what is working well today.  Maybe it is that you spend two hours a day completely focused on the kids.  Do not let go of that.  Don’t impress D/s into that space.  Keep it the way it is.  Even if everyone is equal during that time, then it should stay that way as long as you can.  Your children will remember those times and the if anything both parents should be the “s” to their “D” for much of those family times, creating opportunities for them to grow, learn, and become the adults that they should be.  (Of course that is in the sense of encouraging the kids to make decisions, not allowing them to run roughshod all over you).

Step three: Put together your list of expectations and goals in a D/s relationship.  Maybe this is as simple as “I want to get tied up and I want you to do it” or more in line with “We would like to establish a deeper relationship that allows us to explore and discover together while opening opportunities for discussion and interaction that were difficult for us in the past”.  Remember when I said leave that ego at the door?  This part is about communicating and working through those things that did not work as well as those that did.

Step four: Did I mention you cannot bring your ego?  Well guess what.  Being a Dominant and learning the ropes is not easy.  You will stumble, you will make your submissive mad.  You will try to be too tough.  You will flip that over and be too soft.  It is a learning experience.  Make it such; and enjoy the ride!

Step five: Here is the good news, if you remember to keep your focus on your kids like parents should and you add in the additional focus on relationship and find those times when you can play.. your relationship will get stronger because you are pushing boundaries and trying new things together.

Of course that is successful because you are talking, you are sharing, and you are keeping to the limits that you have established.  If you as the dominant decide to go out and pick up a second submissive, and your wife is against the idea – that is not communicating, it is not part of a healthy relationship; and it likely to cause trouble.  Now if your wife is into that, I say go for it!  Explore and push all those boundaries you can!

Introducing BDSM into the bedroom

Fellow Purveyors of Kink, welcome to a subject that was kicked off by a post to this blog asking “How do I bring light bondage into the bedroom”.  It is a great question and for many couples it may be all they are looking to get out of the BDSM world.  The question is, how do you introduce it without freaking the other partner out, although personally I suspect that everyone is a bit kinky and is just as paranoid about frighting you as you are towards them.

So I came up with an approach from the submissive side and the dominant side that might just help people to “spice things up”.  Of course if my ramblings provide little to no value, there are dozens of books on Amazon or at your local bookstore that can provide some ideas as well.  The only advantage to my advice is that it is free.


OK, tossing a pair of handcuffs into the mix might be a bit much for some people; but there are lots of ways to restrain people.  As a submissive you could whisper into your partner’s ear “hold my hands above my head” to get things started.  Then when you are laying together in the happy after glow you could say something like “I wonder how a tie would feel instead of you holding my hands”.

I remember the first time I played with my wife’s ass, it was years after our children were born and I had never really thought about anal sex or playing with her butt, it just happened that my thumb slid across her anus and she reacted positively so I kept it there.

Afterwords we were talking and she said “I wonder how it would feel to have your thumb inside me”.  Apply the same idea to being restrained and you may find that your partner is willing to come along for the ride.  The moans my wife made that first time certainly enticed me to try even more new things.

As a dominant – you can start with holding their hands above their head, or pressed against their back if you behind her (or him).  Restraining the hands with your hands is a great way to start because your partner can experience the feel of losing that freedom without the fear that ropes can create.

Graduate from there to soft ties (silk ties for example) and work your way up to rope.  It might be an overnight transition or it might take a few weeks (months/years).

Then again, you may never get there – it really depends on the relationship.  The most important part, make sure you talk about what you tried and see how both of you feel about trying it again or going to the next step.


This one can be a bit tough, it is almost like adding another partner to the mix.  Since most of the toys that come out are for the women, men can feel like they are not enough to satisfy you.   Especially if you bring out a 14 inch plastic wang.  Depending on your fetish here, this may require some serious discussions ahead of time.  Guys may not be terribly excited about getting pegged (having a woman fuck their ass with a dildo).  Some women may not be very excited to try out any toys.

Looking back at the wife and I, we did not have a lot of experience with toys before a few years ago.  While we did do a few light bondage things like tying her to the bed, blindfolds, and spankings we had not made our way into the toy stores.  It was really 50 Shades of Grey that helped out there.  She wanted to try a few toys from the book.

We found that some worked for her; while others did not.  Here I think the best bet is to bite the bullet and discuss the wish to involve some toys into your play.  Again, start small and find the toys that work well for you.  A magic wand is a great toy along with a few dildos and plugs.  It will depend on your tastes and sensitives.

If you feel more submissive in nature and are not sure how to open a conversation about a toy, you could make a purchase (plenty of online stores sell them so you do not have to go into a store and talk to anyone) and wait for your partner to head into the shower or something.  When they come out let them see you with the toy and ask them to help you.  Like I said, this can be a HUGE leap for some guys.

Personally, it turns me on to see the wife masturbate and use her toys.

On the dominant side, I recommend taking the approach to discuss the toys.  However you could try getting a small vibrator and using it against her clit (or his balls) as you fuck them.  Do not try to blow their mind the first time, just get them excited about it.

That can open up the doors to lots of other toys and ideas.


Personally I think this one is the easiest.  You can casually spank yourself (as a submissive) in front of your partner or as a dominant you can place the same casual swat on your partner’s ass and see how they respond.

Again, you are going to start with just a couple of strokes.  You do not want to leave your partner (or yourself) black and blue the first time.  However saying “Smack my ass!” while having intercourse can also be a huge turn on.  That can open the doors for having the conversation about getting spanked more often.

The “Trick”

The “trick” is get your partner talking in a non-threatening conversation and to ensure that they feel safe enough with you to try new things.  If you can start with some small event that occurred between the sheets as you cuddle together then you can help your partner to feel good about what they did and encourage more of what you want.

BDSM is not for everyone; and you will likely find a lot more success in a conversation if you can build off of a minor success from a naturally occurring or planned event.  Just remember to keep it simple and try not to overwhelm yourself or your partner.

It might be that BDSM is something that you really want to get into but your partner is not interested.  Then you face a decision, are they worth staying vanilla?  I can promise you that there are people that are worth it; but I think everyone has a bit of a kinky side, they just need to feel safe and secure enough to let it out.


Sometimes when you open the flood gates things can get going quickly.  You want to make sure that you set boundaries and ensure that your partner knows them.  Pick a safe word, make sure that they know you want to be spanked but that spitting on you is off limits, think about what you are interested in.  Going through a BDSM checklist like this one: can help you determine your limits.

In Conclusion…

I recommend picking up a few books like the Kama Sutra and A Little Bit of Kinky or 101 Nights of Great Sex.  Books like 101 Nights of Great Sex can help create an atmosphere where you are trying new things and can identify with your partner the ones that work for you as an individual and as a couple.  Some of them are vanilla, some are kinky, and some are more BDSM style.  It is a good way to try new things (not that I get any money from Laura for pitching her book).

Overall, the key to success in BDSM, in your relationship, and in life is COMMUNICATION!  Sometimes that first conversation needs a little push to get it started, so try some small things and talk about them to see where it leads.


Prema Nocta

Keeping the theme of getting started with BDSM or a D/s relationship it seemed like a “First Night” post would be a good follow up to the “Beginner BDSM” post from a few days ago.  The idea again is to keep it simple and move forward at a pace that works for you.

As the dominant, you should:

  • Make a plan.  This does not have to be anything more than a basic outline of what you want to do and it should not be something complicated like using suspension.  Think about starting with something like:
    • 1:  Tie up submissive
    • 2.  Spank submissive
    • 3:  Use a toy on submissive
    • 4:  Blindfold submissive
    • 5:  Lay them down by the fire and make sweet sweet love (via Chef from South Park) or give them the good rough fuck they have wanted.
  • Share the plan with the submissive.  Maybe this is as basic as saying “I am going to spank you and tie you up tonight”.  If you are keeping it simple, there may not be much to discuss but more complex scenes will require discussion and planning between you and your submissive.  The good news is that those conversations will come naturally as your relationship progresses, so do not worry about that for now.  Just make sure you have a way to hold an open conversation.
  • Plan for the plan to fall apart!  You never know quite what is going to happen; sometimes things go amazingly well and you go a bit beyond the plan because both you and your submissive are excited.  Sometimes they go the opposite direction and you end up holding a crying partner.  Be ready for both and use the experience to help improve, refine, and get back at it the next time.

Now, let’s think about this from the submissive’s point of view:

  • Be open minded.  Remember that your Dominant will have your best interests in mind.  If they do not, then you should step back and evaluate if this is the right step in the relationship.  your Dominant should stay within your defined limits and be trying to escalate your pleasure through most of the night.
  • Ask questions.  Not every individual is great at laying out a plan or sharing.  Make sure you are getting the information you need.  I realize that not all relationships will allow this; but there should be some period of time where you can gain the information you want.  Perhaps during foreplay you can ask the right questions or “top from the bottom” enough to get what you need.
  • Get involved.  I know you are the submissive; but that does not mean you are a sack of potatoes.  Find a way to use your words as part of the play to help your Dominant tease and please you.  Just as they should when you are pleasing them.  Does that whip hurt, maybe they are hitting too hard, did your hand just go to sleep?  Make sure there is a way to communicate these things with your Dominant, just as you would want to communicate when something is pleasing “Ooooooohhhh, yessss!  Right there, Sir!!!!

The list here is short, after all it is the first shot at something new and exciting!  Remember to keep everyone safe and start watching your partner as you play.  You will pick up on their signals and learn to adjust to their needs which will improve the play that much more.

Lastly, remember that as people’s bodies come down from a heightened state they need care.  This might mean including in your plan to have some bottled water close at hand, a towel, or just holding them.  Preparation, communication, and aftercare are key parts of a successful prema nocta and all the play times after that.

Beginner BDSM

One thing I have been thinking about recently is all the D/s and BDSM books I have read.  All of them have been helpful but I always felt like they were not a perfect match for us.

I know my wife shared the same thoughts and as we read through a lot of them we realized they were usually written by someone who started off a relationship in the “kink” and not buried deep in the vanilla wafers of life.

It is fair to say that between my wife and I, that I am the more outgoing; however she was the one that came to me asked to be my submissive.  A move with did shock me a bit.

I mean, here is an educated woman who wants to be (as part of our relationship) put on a leash and collaedr, spanked, have clips put on her body, punished, abused, and fucked… For lack of a better “vanilla” term like a whore.

We started out down this road and jumped into some books.  The problem with books, or anyone’s advice, is that things that work for them may not work for you.  Perhaps the best way to express that is…

Your kink is your kink.  My kink is mine.  Both are going to be different.

So it was a game of seek and find.  Look for some useful information here.  Find some websites with things that work there.  Get creative and fail at many things.  Start over.  Start over again.  Create the environment that worked for us.

The truth is… We still need to work at it.

However I feel there are a couple of basic things that will help everyone.  Be it a long term relationship that is moving to D/s, a BDSM relationship or a vanilla relationship – the rules are kind of the same:

1. Communicate.  My wife will tell you I am not the best here.  But I try.  We created rules to help foster more communication.

2. Start small.  Create a set of rules for week one, month one, the first 90 days, half a year… You cannot change everything right away.  Your goal is to succeed over time, not fail immediately.

Make sure to create a list of limits as part of your early rules.

These rules will get modified over time; but make sure you are safe and comfortable.

3. Review where you are.  Did that last rule work?  Is this the dynamic you want?  What can you add?  What can you take away?

4. Be warry anyone’s list of rules.  Everything sounds awesome on the Internet or in a book.  You may not see the work and fights and struggle to create that success.

5. COMMUNICATE!  No matter who you are, your spouse, boyfriend, fuck buddy, girlfriend, or FWB is a different individual who is going to have different goals in life.  You are much more likely to walk the same path together longer if you talk. (Yes, I know I put communicate in here twice).

6. Make it your own.  Want to tie him up in the bedroom?  Want to be dominated by your husband 24/7?  Want to have a gang bang with 57 people?  Whatever it is, be courageous in who you are and go get it!

7. Expect to fail.  Dr. Seuss reminds us that we all fail from time to time.  So do not expect your plan to succeed every step of the way.  Plan for that and be ready to step back and try again.

8. Have fun, life will amaze you if you let it.  Make your kink fun (safe and sane of course) but remember to balance what you do.

9. Respect yourself, your partner(s), and others.  Their goals are different, but everyone wants to enjoy their kink.

10. Keep a time available for “vanilla” moments.  No one can be a Dominant or a submissive every second of our lives.  We have needs beyond those; and in a true relationship sometimes those vanilla moments are more amazing than any kink moments.

So that is my top ten.  I am writing this because I hope it helps the people who ask us “How do I MAKE her submit?”

The truth is a dominant NEVER makes someone submit.  That is a trait of an abusive partner.  A submissive gives a Dominant their power.

In a true D/s relationship the submissive truly holds the majorty of the power and grants the Dominant their trust and acceptance within a predefined set of limits.

Baby step your way in; and you can find success as you change or create a relationship of any type.

Dom Tips

I receive emails from the folks over at The BDSM Training Academy.

Check out their site at the link below!  They have some great ideas here and on their website.

Combining a physical relaionship of any type with a family makes it difficult.  Adding in some ropes, chains, whips, benches, and more can be very tricky.

I like to hide things in plain sight.  A workbench is a good duel purpose surface; and workout areas often have hooks in the ceilings.

Drop ceilings can also hide a lot of things!

=========================================BDSM Slave Training Tips:

Who Says You Can’t Have Kids and a BDSM Relationship?

Here is a question I received recently:

Hi Mistress Sophia and Master Bishop,
I have absolutely loved all the emails you have sent and learned so much from each.
There is one problem that my husband and I are having and that is that we have three children, but we want to experience more within our Dom/sub relationship.

We have just started exploring bdsm within our relationship, but I don’t want our children to know about it.

How do you live this lifestyle without exposing your children to it?

Here Are My Comments:

I can understand your concern, as children or anyone under the age of 18 years old should never be exposed to bdsm and/or other adult activities.

When it comes to a spicier sex life, you’re going to be taking some risks. With BDSM, the risks are even higher, though the rewards are just as great. But when you have kids, can you still have the BDSM you crave? After all, with the screaming, spanking, and sweating, is their a greater chance of your children finding out?

The simple answer is no. With careful planning and some creativity, you can still have the BDSM relationship you want – and your children won’t know.


Turn Up the Volume


One of the easiest ways to keep your children from hearing anything you’re doing is to turn up your radio, CD, or mp3 player while you’re having fun. True, this might also attract a little more attention to your play times, but your children would much rather be hearing Enigma a little too loudly than someone screaming. Of course, that is what gags are for.

Find Your Own Space


Ideally, your bedroom or your play area should be as far away from the kids as you can get it. If you can move your bedroom to another room, that might help to cut down the noise a bit more.

Basements and first floor bedrooms are ideal for louder sessions.

You will also want to install a lock on your bedroom door that is not easy to pry. This way, your children can stay outside of the room until you are dressed and ready to see them.

Of course if your children are not old enough to take care of themselves then they should never be left unattended. Nighttime while your kids sleep is a good opportunity for play without them knowing.

Scheduling Sessions


If possible, you can always schedule your BDSM time for times when your children are not around or awake. This way, you can minimize anything they hear while you have your own fun.

Or you can take your BDSM activities to play clubs where no one but other BDSM lovers will be witnessing your domination and submission times. You can even plan a nice bdsm get away with your partner while the grandparents babysit for the weekend.

Under the Radar Submission


Of course, sometimes, you want to maintain your submissive and dominant roles, even when you’re not in the bedroom, but can you really say ‘yes sir’ and ‘no ma’am’ when you’re around the kids?

If you’re nervous that your children are going to catch on, you might want to employ different signals for submission in the public eye. For example, if the sub is out of line, there might be a special word or touch the dominant can use to warn them of their misdeed. The sub might also play a role of the subservient one in the family situations – cooking, cleaning, etc. – to help continue their service to their Dom/me.


Create an Emergency Plan


Some parents may not be too thrilled to think about separate areas for their play times or about a lock on their bedroom door – what if there is an emergency? Have your children learn a special way to attract attention at your door if there actually is an emergency so that everyone can stay safe.

Other Tips for Keeping Things Hidden


* Have a lock box or locked cupboard for your toys
* Never bruise or mark your partner somewhere the children might see

* Never be physically abusive in front of the children, even if it’s in fun. Children will not be able to tell the difference.

If you are ‘caught,’ explain that everything is okay and that no one is hurt. That’s really all children need to know. They actually don’t need to know the details about why you’re into BDSM in the first place.

Having a BDSM relationship can be difficult when you’re sharing a home with children, but it’s certainly not impossible. BDSM doesn’t have to be 24/7, just enjoy every opportunity when you can.


I hope that answers the question.

Keep your eyes peeled for the next edition which will arrive in a few weeks!
To learn more tips and ideas on how to incorporate bdsm training into your life visit:
**Please Note: The BDSM Training team only provides opinion about the safe, sane and consensual performance of bdsm and/or other adult activities. This means that bdsm and/or other adult activities are at all times to only be performed with consenting adults. An adult being anyone over 18+ years of age or the legal age in your state/country.

BDSM and/or other adult activities can never be performed with anyone under the age of 18 years old.

Mistress Sophia
Master Bishop
P.S. If you liked this article, please take a minute to e-mail your friends and let them know about it. Thanks!

P.P.S. If you’d like to send U/us a Question that you would like answered, have a Success Story you would like to share, or would just like to send U/us a Comment, follow these guidelines:

1) Tell U/us what’s working for you before you ask your question.
This helps other people to see what’s working, so please be specific.

2) At the end of the email, give U/us your initials and tell U/us where you’re from.

Copyright 2008 The BDSM Training Academy. By reading and accepting this article you agree to all of the following: You understand that this is simply a set of opinions, personal experience and anecdotal evidence (and not advice). You are responsible for any use of the information in this article, and hold The BDSM Training Academy and all members and affiliates harmless in any claim or event.

Building the Bench

One thing that I like is finding fun surprises at the hardware store. When I came across this I envisioned this:


The project took a couple of hours (if you ignore stain drying time) and cost about 150 dollars (once you include a few accessories I added in.

The table was 80 dollars.
The padding was 10 dollars.
The fabric was 30 dollars
Then I bought some metal pipes for about 30 dollars.

The process was:

First the table had to be cut down a little, my lovely wife was not tall enough to bend over the prefabricated height.



Then I reattached the bottom support and added foam padding.

After that, I added marine vinyl and five anchor points on both long sides as well as some at the ends.

I also added some piping to allow me to restrain the hands beyond the bed and the legs in the air.

The combination opens up a lot of options to expand playtime.

The last bit is a part I have not picked up yet, a crank to stretch my wife out on; turning the bench into a midevil rack.