At its core, dominance is really just guiding someone. There are different levels of course, but you are taking an individual who has surrendered some level of rights and applying guidelines, instructions, and rules.
The goal of which is to simplify their life and allow them to focus on what they have decided is important – the dominant’s needs.Through this exchange the couple is able to create an experience that is unique to them. It might be strictly a non-sexual, totally sexual, or a full power exchange.
The submissive may continue to work or they may find bliss in being a domestic god(dess).
The only item of importance is that they create a relationship that works for them and establish a set of rules and protocols that make them happy, the sky (or if you prefer “the gutter”) is the limit!
I am sad to say, the hospital has a different idea of what this than I do.
D/s like everything else takes time, effort, and a consistent desire to be better today than you were yesterday.
The challenge to D/s is being with someone who also wants to take those steps with you. Someone who is capable of moving forward and fighting their fears, their trepidation, their limits.
On the Dominant side, we get the job of trying to map a path forward for the submissive. Some people will thrive in facing these challenges and will constantly push their limits, others will not.
Some people are just not cut out to try new things. Even people that are adventurous about trying new things like skydiving may not want to push their personal limits in a relationship or in the bedroom.
Finding a friend, partner, spouse, or group that is willing to make those same steps as you is an amazing opportunity for everyone to find out how far they can go.
Life gives us such a wealth of opportunities but we have to be willing to step up and over those lines that “normal” society defines. In the end, I think that people want to grow; but they just are so henned in by society’s norms that it creates this huge weight on them.
When you let that weight control you, then you can never achieve.
We really should never have a choice, we should always stand up and move forward towards our goals.
You may fall, you may not ever reach those goals; but in the end, you do not want to be the person who looks back and says “I never really tried because I was afraid.”
In my never ending quest to gain knowledge I come across a lot of fiction from both Submissives and dominants where the female “slave” truely becomes property.
She is conditioned to live in a cage, to serve as she is told and to not think.
My question is, if someone came up to you and offered to turn you into a mindless sex object, would that be what you wanted? This assumes you are not parents or have any other obligations.
What would be your perfect idea of submission? Would you be equal in many aspects but submissive in others?
What do you feel is important for you to retain? A job, the unique aspects that make you special, hobbies?
I can imagine that it could be a very peaceful life giving everything up and simply serving.
I am a quiet man. I demand only one thing, your obedience.
My kink is your surrender, watching you change from a mindful, intelligent, caring woman into a cock hungry, single minded, slut devoid of any desires other than to serve and to receive my gifts.
My kink is your pain, your moans, your decent into subspace. Your escape from the bonds of reality into the cotton, silk, and steel bonds that I employ.
To the world you maybe a quiet housewife. To the world you are never a slut. For me, you are MY slut and that makes all the difference.
My kink, is pushing the boundaries and limits and taking you places you have never been, then watching you swim back from them, helpless in my arms.
My kink, is the bond that holds you to me, the leash that denies you freedom.
… It is not that he knows that any flaw in his deportment will be reported to his Master … he simply wants nothing more than to be a tribute to his Master at all times.
– Miss Abernathy
The next line is “… is that not the root of submissive desire?”
This is a great statement for new submissives to ask themselves, are you getting into a D/s relationship because you want the sex (which is also OK) or because you want to show the world that you are your Dominants and that you take such pride in doing so that you let every action reflect that purpose.
Dominants of course, do not escape this either. Do not reflect poorly on yourself, do not abuse the gift your submissive gives, and do not enter into the idea of D/s because you like hitting people.
That last one is a good reason enter into a therapist office and talk with them immediately.
Be the individual that your Dominant or submissive deserves; and demonstrate that through your actions 24/7.
I mean, wow! That is an awesome question. I mean think about it. How do you define something that is so fluid and has a different meaning to just about everyone!
I think the best place to start is to look at the world around us. There are plenty of examples, people can be dominant in a sport by playing a position well. Pet trainers tell us that to be successful with our pets we have to demonstrate dominance over them. The animal kingdom shows us that dominant animals get the best meal, the best mates, the best… Well, the best everything.
Perhaps it is better to define what dominance is not:
- Dominance is not being an asshole and using power to influence and play political games. That is just being a dick.
- Dominance is not abuse, it is not being physcially dominant over a human being simply because you can.
- Dominance is not a head trip that comes from capitalizing some letters and not others. If you think you have power because you spell “SUBMISSIVE” in all lowercase then you really do not.
- Dominance is not just saying “I am the dominant in this relationship, so go make me a pot pie”.
Now, there are (and this is not a complet list) things that make a dominant successful:
- Confidence. You do not have to be right, but you should be confident in you decision and be willing to acknowledge when you were wrong; then try again.
- Courage. In the event that you find a person who is willing to let you be their dominant, you need to understand the responsibility you have just been handed and have the courage to own that.
- Work ethic. Being a dominant is hard work. You are responsible for the well being of another person.
- Caring. Remember that work ethic and more specifically the other ADULT human that has asked you to guide and manage their life? Yep, now you have to actually care for them. Sure you might tie them up and spank them; but you are not dragging them out into a field and publicly flogging them (unless that is something they are into).
- Rules. You get to follow the rules. You think the submissive has it hard? You have a ton of rules all created by giving the submissive a set of rules. Now you have to live up to that.
Not to mention being honest, open, even handed, and strong.
Of course the best part of any relationship is making it yours. Maybe you just want a partner who loves the same things you do and you want to spend every weekend walking in the woods (which would be awesome). Maybe you want someone you can keep in your home and lock up in your dungeon on the weekends (also awesome).
Either way, the same success factors exist:
- Shared desire
The secret to being dominant or submissive is that there is no secret. You simply have to want something and find the person to help you achieve that goal.
To make it even more complex, the success of being a submissive is created through many of the same words and strengths. Being a submissive is an amazing gift. You have to be strong enough to trust another person. Either druring the physical act of submission or through a 24/7 submissive relationship.
In the end, it is up to you to define “dominant” and “submissive” and to make it work for you.
Studies agree, women want a man who is dominant. They want a man who is not afraid to take what he wants (within the limits of their relationship).
Make 2016 the year you become more dominant (or dominated). There are tons of articles and books out there (A quick Google search returned this as the first result: http://www.dangerandplay.com/2014/03/14/become-dominant-man/)
My advice to submissives is that sometimes you have to help guide the dominant. Do not expect them to be perfect or to know everything (especially about your needs).
For the dominants, maybe you have a nasty idea lurking in your head. Try it. See what happens.
Of course if that idea is “poison the town’s water supply” you should not do it and should talk with someone, or build a super-villain hideout and costume.
Let’s make 2016 the year of communication and domination, fill your woman’s needs, or someone else might be doing so in 2017.