Prema Nocta

Keeping the theme of getting started with BDSM or a D/s relationship it seemed like a “First Night” post would be a good follow up to the “Beginner BDSM” post from a few days ago.  The idea again is to keep it simple and move forward at a pace that works for you.

As the dominant, you should:

  • Make a plan.  This does not have to be anything more than a basic outline of what you want to do and it should not be something complicated like using suspension.  Think about starting with something like:
    • 1:  Tie up submissive
    • 2.  Spank submissive
    • 3:  Use a toy on submissive
    • 4:  Blindfold submissive
    • 5:  Lay them down by the fire and make sweet sweet love (via Chef from South Park) or give them the good rough fuck they have wanted.
  • Share the plan with the submissive.  Maybe this is as basic as saying “I am going to spank you and tie you up tonight”.  If you are keeping it simple, there may not be much to discuss but more complex scenes will require discussion and planning between you and your submissive.  The good news is that those conversations will come naturally as your relationship progresses, so do not worry about that for now.  Just make sure you have a way to hold an open conversation.
  • Plan for the plan to fall apart!  You never know quite what is going to happen; sometimes things go amazingly well and you go a bit beyond the plan because both you and your submissive are excited.  Sometimes they go the opposite direction and you end up holding a crying partner.  Be ready for both and use the experience to help improve, refine, and get back at it the next time.

Now, let’s think about this from the submissive’s point of view:

  • Be open minded.  Remember that your Dominant will have your best interests in mind.  If they do not, then you should step back and evaluate if this is the right step in the relationship.  your Dominant should stay within your defined limits and be trying to escalate your pleasure through most of the night.
  • Ask questions.  Not every individual is great at laying out a plan or sharing.  Make sure you are getting the information you need.  I realize that not all relationships will allow this; but there should be some period of time where you can gain the information you want.  Perhaps during foreplay you can ask the right questions or “top from the bottom” enough to get what you need.
  • Get involved.  I know you are the submissive; but that does not mean you are a sack of potatoes.  Find a way to use your words as part of the play to help your Dominant tease and please you.  Just as they should when you are pleasing them.  Does that whip hurt, maybe they are hitting too hard, did your hand just go to sleep?  Make sure there is a way to communicate these things with your Dominant, just as you would want to communicate when something is pleasing “Ooooooohhhh, yessss!  Right there, Sir!!!!

The list here is short, after all it is the first shot at something new and exciting!  Remember to keep everyone safe and start watching your partner as you play.  You will pick up on their signals and learn to adjust to their needs which will improve the play that much more.

Lastly, remember that as people’s bodies come down from a heightened state they need care.  This might mean including in your plan to have some bottled water close at hand, a towel, or just holding them.  Preparation, communication, and aftercare are key parts of a successful prema nocta and all the play times after that.

Beginner BDSM

One thing I have been thinking about recently is all the D/s and BDSM books I have read.  All of them have been helpful but I always felt like they were not a perfect match for us.

I know my wife shared the same thoughts and as we read through a lot of them we realized they were usually written by someone who started off a relationship in the “kink” and not buried deep in the vanilla wafers of life.

It is fair to say that between my wife and I, that I am the more outgoing; however she was the one that came to me asked to be my submissive.  A move with did shock me a bit.

I mean, here is an educated woman who wants to be (as part of our relationship) put on a leash and collaedr, spanked, have clips put on her body, punished, abused, and fucked… For lack of a better “vanilla” term like a whore.

We started out down this road and jumped into some books.  The problem with books, or anyone’s advice, is that things that work for them may not work for you.  Perhaps the best way to express that is…

Your kink is your kink.  My kink is mine.  Both are going to be different.

So it was a game of seek and find.  Look for some useful information here.  Find some websites with things that work there.  Get creative and fail at many things.  Start over.  Start over again.  Create the environment that worked for us.

The truth is… We still need to work at it.

However I feel there are a couple of basic things that will help everyone.  Be it a long term relationship that is moving to D/s, a BDSM relationship or a vanilla relationship – the rules are kind of the same:

1. Communicate.  My wife will tell you I am not the best here.  But I try.  We created rules to help foster more communication.

2. Start small.  Create a set of rules for week one, month one, the first 90 days, half a year… You cannot change everything right away.  Your goal is to succeed over time, not fail immediately.

Make sure to create a list of limits as part of your early rules.

These rules will get modified over time; but make sure you are safe and comfortable.

3. Review where you are.  Did that last rule work?  Is this the dynamic you want?  What can you add?  What can you take away?

4. Be warry anyone’s list of rules.  Everything sounds awesome on the Internet or in a book.  You may not see the work and fights and struggle to create that success.

5. COMMUNICATE!  No matter who you are, your spouse, boyfriend, fuck buddy, girlfriend, or FWB is a different individual who is going to have different goals in life.  You are much more likely to walk the same path together longer if you talk. (Yes, I know I put communicate in here twice).

6. Make it your own.  Want to tie him up in the bedroom?  Want to be dominated by your husband 24/7?  Want to have a gang bang with 57 people?  Whatever it is, be courageous in who you are and go get it!

7. Expect to fail.  Dr. Seuss reminds us that we all fail from time to time.  So do not expect your plan to succeed every step of the way.  Plan for that and be ready to step back and try again.

8. Have fun, life will amaze you if you let it.  Make your kink fun (safe and sane of course) but remember to balance what you do.

9. Respect yourself, your partner(s), and others.  Their goals are different, but everyone wants to enjoy their kink.

10. Keep a time available for “vanilla” moments.  No one can be a Dominant or a submissive every second of our lives.  We have needs beyond those; and in a true relationship sometimes those vanilla moments are more amazing than any kink moments.

So that is my top ten.  I am writing this because I hope it helps the people who ask us “How do I MAKE her submit?”

The truth is a dominant NEVER makes someone submit.  That is a trait of an abusive partner.  A submissive gives a Dominant their power.

In a true D/s relationship the submissive truly holds the majorty of the power and grants the Dominant their trust and acceptance within a predefined set of limits.

Baby step your way in; and you can find success as you change or create a relationship of any type.

Dom Tips

I receive emails from the folks over at The BDSM Training Academy.

Check out their site at the link below!  They have some great ideas here and on their website.

Combining a physical relaionship of any type with a family makes it difficult.  Adding in some ropes, chains, whips, benches, and more can be very tricky.

I like to hide things in plain sight.  A workbench is a good duel purpose surface; and workout areas often have hooks in the ceilings.

Drop ceilings can also hide a lot of things!

=========================================BDSM Slave Training Tips:

Who Says You Can’t Have Kids and a BDSM Relationship?

Here is a question I received recently:

Hi Mistress Sophia and Master Bishop,
I have absolutely loved all the emails you have sent and learned so much from each.
There is one problem that my husband and I are having and that is that we have three children, but we want to experience more within our Dom/sub relationship.

We have just started exploring bdsm within our relationship, but I don’t want our children to know about it.

How do you live this lifestyle without exposing your children to it?

Here Are My Comments:

I can understand your concern, as children or anyone under the age of 18 years old should never be exposed to bdsm and/or other adult activities.

When it comes to a spicier sex life, you’re going to be taking some risks. With BDSM, the risks are even higher, though the rewards are just as great. But when you have kids, can you still have the BDSM you crave? After all, with the screaming, spanking, and sweating, is their a greater chance of your children finding out?

The simple answer is no. With careful planning and some creativity, you can still have the BDSM relationship you want – and your children won’t know.


Turn Up the Volume


One of the easiest ways to keep your children from hearing anything you’re doing is to turn up your radio, CD, or mp3 player while you’re having fun. True, this might also attract a little more attention to your play times, but your children would much rather be hearing Enigma a little too loudly than someone screaming. Of course, that is what gags are for.

Find Your Own Space


Ideally, your bedroom or your play area should be as far away from the kids as you can get it. If you can move your bedroom to another room, that might help to cut down the noise a bit more.

Basements and first floor bedrooms are ideal for louder sessions.

You will also want to install a lock on your bedroom door that is not easy to pry. This way, your children can stay outside of the room until you are dressed and ready to see them.

Of course if your children are not old enough to take care of themselves then they should never be left unattended. Nighttime while your kids sleep is a good opportunity for play without them knowing.

Scheduling Sessions


If possible, you can always schedule your BDSM time for times when your children are not around or awake. This way, you can minimize anything they hear while you have your own fun.

Or you can take your BDSM activities to play clubs where no one but other BDSM lovers will be witnessing your domination and submission times. You can even plan a nice bdsm get away with your partner while the grandparents babysit for the weekend.

Under the Radar Submission


Of course, sometimes, you want to maintain your submissive and dominant roles, even when you’re not in the bedroom, but can you really say ‘yes sir’ and ‘no ma’am’ when you’re around the kids?

If you’re nervous that your children are going to catch on, you might want to employ different signals for submission in the public eye. For example, if the sub is out of line, there might be a special word or touch the dominant can use to warn them of their misdeed. The sub might also play a role of the subservient one in the family situations – cooking, cleaning, etc. – to help continue their service to their Dom/me.


Create an Emergency Plan


Some parents may not be too thrilled to think about separate areas for their play times or about a lock on their bedroom door – what if there is an emergency? Have your children learn a special way to attract attention at your door if there actually is an emergency so that everyone can stay safe.

Other Tips for Keeping Things Hidden


* Have a lock box or locked cupboard for your toys
* Never bruise or mark your partner somewhere the children might see

* Never be physically abusive in front of the children, even if it’s in fun. Children will not be able to tell the difference.

If you are ‘caught,’ explain that everything is okay and that no one is hurt. That’s really all children need to know. They actually don’t need to know the details about why you’re into BDSM in the first place.

Having a BDSM relationship can be difficult when you’re sharing a home with children, but it’s certainly not impossible. BDSM doesn’t have to be 24/7, just enjoy every opportunity when you can.


I hope that answers the question.

Keep your eyes peeled for the next edition which will arrive in a few weeks!
To learn more tips and ideas on how to incorporate bdsm training into your life visit:
**Please Note: The BDSM Training team only provides opinion about the safe, sane and consensual performance of bdsm and/or other adult activities. This means that bdsm and/or other adult activities are at all times to only be performed with consenting adults. An adult being anyone over 18+ years of age or the legal age in your state/country.

BDSM and/or other adult activities can never be performed with anyone under the age of 18 years old.

Mistress Sophia
Master Bishop
P.S. If you liked this article, please take a minute to e-mail your friends and let them know about it. Thanks!

P.P.S. If you’d like to send U/us a Question that you would like answered, have a Success Story you would like to share, or would just like to send U/us a Comment, follow these guidelines:

1) Tell U/us what’s working for you before you ask your question.
This helps other people to see what’s working, so please be specific.

2) At the end of the email, give U/us your initials and tell U/us where you’re from.

Copyright 2008 The BDSM Training Academy. By reading and accepting this article you agree to all of the following: You understand that this is simply a set of opinions, personal experience and anecdotal evidence (and not advice). You are responsible for any use of the information in this article, and hold The BDSM Training Academy and all members and affiliates harmless in any claim or event.

Not Enough…

It is not enough that we are married.

It is not enough to fill you with my cock.

It is not enough to hold you.

It is not enough to see you shiver and hear you moan at my touch.

It is not enough to know you are mine.

I need to take it, I need you sweaty, screaming, and begging.

I need you to know you are mine.

I need you to say the words as I cum deep inside you.